


Moments

by givemehope



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Character Death, M/M, Non-Famous
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-04-24
Updated: 2015-09-13
Packaged: 2018-01-20 16:12:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 19,693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1516898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/givemehope/pseuds/givemehope
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Liam tells his life of secret love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I would like to make this very clear. THIS IS NOT MY STORY. THIS DOES NOT BELONG TO ME. I HAVE NO OWNERSHIP OVER ANY OF THESE WORDS. This is a story I found two and a half years ago, and I've never forgotten it. I thought it was beautiful and needed to be shared again. I know this may seem wrong but I take no credit for any of the words. If anyone could ever find the original link to this story I would love you forever and would remove this, but currently I'm still searching for it. I (weirdly) (but luckily) printed this story off because I loved it so much so I've typed it all up (I know I don't have a life) and only corrected grammar or spelling mistakes. It may be a bit carroty but it was written in the "carrot stage" if you must, but it still makes me cry so I needed to share it. Please if anyone finds the link, tell me immediately but yeah, I hope you all fucking cry your eyes out and re-think your life.
> 
> Also the chapters might not be exactly the same because I never marked them out but I did my best idk. Also I never typed the fucking title so I'm just gonna have it as some thing idk so yeah sorry but enjoy it, I hope I find the author again one day.

Forty-seven years. It’s been forty-seven years since he left me.

 

I disheartedly wheeled myself down the bleak corridor, trying my best to keep a smile plastered upon my face. The kids, well not so much kids anymore, hated it when I was sad; it probably made them feel a twinge of guilt to know just how miserable this place made me.

This place is called Crestview, but to most it’s just the retirement home on the corner of Birch Drive and Symphony Avenue. My two sons placed me here about two months ago when they both decided they didn’t want to face the responsibility of housing their slowly dying father. Yes, you read that correctly; I was diagnosed with stage 3 colon cancer last year. But when you’re 73 years old and the one person you thought you couldn’t live without left you far too early, dying didn’t seem like such a terrible thing.

Like I said before, it;s been forty-seven long years since he was taken from me. My whole life has been a like. I loved him more than life itself, but I foolishly let him go. If I could, I’d do it all again.

His name was Louis Tomlinson. My name is Liam Payne. We never should have fallen for each other, but the heart wants what the heart wants. Louis and I met in grade school for the first time. I was immediately drawn to him. Of course at the time I had no idea that this feeling I had towards him would eventually harbor into love. I remember that day to a tee, even down to the colour of his striped shirt.

The playground was noisy and filled with energetic children running about playing various games. I was rather shy, so I mostly kept to myself in school. Most days I would sit under the big oak tree and watch my classmates acting like idiots. That’s when I first saw him.

Louis was one of the most popular kids in my year, which wasn’t shocking considering how unbelievably funny and attractive he was. He was involved in an intense game of football with the other boys from our year, in which he was the goalkeeper. As he went to block a ball from entering the goal, I continued to watch him with keen interest. I’d never seen him before, but the school did hold a massive amount of pupils.

I had no idea as to why I couldn’t bring myself to look away from him. Every little thing about him intrigued me; from his silky brown hair to his striking blue-green eyes. And so from that moment on, I vowed to somehow become friends with Louis Tomlinson.

 

“Liam! Where do you think you’re going?12 I heard one of the nurses call down the hallway.

 

“Shit.” I mumbled soundlessly under my breath. “Just thought I’d get some fresh air, Jeanie.” I replied after wheeling my chair around to face her.

 

She laughed slightly and said, “I don’t think so. You know the policy about leaving the building without permission, Mr. Payne.”

 

This place was a hell hole from which there was no escape.

 

I nodded towards Jeanie in recognition and wheeled myself back to my room. After managing to get into bed all on my own, which was actually quite a feat for someone in my condition, my thoughts drifted back to Louis.

I wasn’t lucky enough to talk to him until ninth grade in my biology class. It was the first class we’d ever had together and I’d be lying if I said it hadn’t excited me. Louis had grown up obviously a lot since the first time I saw him, he now stood at 5 ft. 6”. Puberty did him right if I might add as well. But at that time I didn’t share these thoughts with anyone. I was a bo and therefore shouldn’t have been attracted to another boy, but I justified it as strictly platonic feelings.

Girls constantly told me how “cute” and “hot” I was, but being a fourteen year old boy I had some major insecurities about my looks. Time hadn’t made me any less reserved, so I didn’t have too many friends. I was content with being alone, but I did occasionally long for a friend to talk to or a hand to hold. I never felt attractive, well at least not until he showed me differently.

My breath hitched as I entered Mr Carston’s room and my eyes landed on him. Louis Tomlinson, THE Louis Tomlinson, was finally in one of my classes. Inwardly smiling to myself, I casually took a seat in the back corner of the room While the seat was a far enough distance from Louis that I wouldn’t embarrass myself by staring at him, it still gave me a decent view of him.

He was brilliant, in every way imaginable. Louis was of course crowded by several girls who were not so secretly vying for just a second of his attention. Even Even though Louis was one of the most popular boys in our year, he had never had a technical girlfriend. Sure, there were rumours that he’d done things with different girls, but he was never one to kiss and tell.

When the rumour that he’d made out with Sawyer Dawson behind her family’s boat house spread in seventh grade, Louis neither denied nor confirmed the rumours; he simply laughed about it and said his love life was personal. This made me want to know him even more. I felt like there was so much more to him than just the hilarious and really attractive guy he was known as, and I was desperate to find out.

Most of that first day in biology class was spent staring at Louis and admiring how great he seemed. The bell rang, signalling the end of class and simultaneously bringing me out of my trance. Hastily I threw my belongings into my bag and shuffled out of the door.

I didn’t pay much attention to where I was going and all of a sudden I crashed into someone else leaving the room. I looked at who I’d run in to, ready to apologise fervently, when I was met with a big grin and those blue-green eyes.

 

“Sorry man I didn’t see you there!” Louis yelled at me.

 

“It’s fine it was my f-fault,” I replied back, hoarsely.

 

And just like that my first conversation with Louis Tomlinson was over. Damn it. I was such a loser and now he’d never want to be friends with me. Why can’t I just be normal? Quickening my pace, I strode to my last class of the day trying to go unnoticed in the crowded halls.

Freshman year continued on in a similar way as the first day. I longed to talk to Louis, but never had the nerve to try. Around January of that year, he started dating a girl from another school named Hadley. I’d never met her but I’d heard a lot about her. She had quite a reputation in CenterVille; she apparently was unrealistically hot and had lost her virginity in eighth grade. For an unknown reason my stomach turned and I felt really irritated whenever her name was even mentioned.

My patience was running thin as I sat in my last class of the day, because in less than five minutes it was officially summer break. To my surprise, my family announced that we’d be going on a week long cruise through the Bahamas in the first week of July. I couldn’t wait! Getting out of Centerville for an entire week seemed like heaven to me.

Summer break began and I was filled with mixed emotions. I was in fact very, very excited for the cruise, but my heart sank at the thought of not seeing Louis for the entire summer. I know what you’re thinking - Why were you so obsessed with someone who didn’t even acknowledge your existence? Well, you’d have to have known him in order to understand why. There was just...something about him.

The usual feelings of self-loathing and regret began to stir up inside as they did every time I thought of him. Why’d he have to go? If he wouldn’t have been such a great person, he’d still be with me now. But then of course, I wouldn’t have loved him so damn much.

Carnival Cruise Line. That’s what was printed on the side of the boat in large, blue letters. With my five year old sister, Ruth, in tow, I docked the boat and walked up to the reception desk. My mum, Karen, got us our room key and directed us to the room. The room, well more like condo, had two bedrooms, a kitchen, two bathrooms, a living room and a small laundry room. It must have cost a pretty penny, but money wasn’t an issue in my family as my Dad was a heart surgeon.

 

“Can me and Li go look at the rest of the boat mummy, please!” Ruth wailed.

 

“Sure. Liam be back here no later than 6:30pm. We’re going to dinner at 7. And be careful, please.” My mum told me.

 

I agreed and we exited the room to have a look around. The ship exceeded even my expectations. It had two swimming pools, accustomed with several slides, three restaurants, a spa, a gym and most excitingly a teenage nightclub. It wasn’t typical of me to want to go to such a place, but this was a holiday and it sounded like much-needed fun.

Ruth was so easily impressed as she squealed at every passing detail. I loved my sister more than anything, but sometimes she was a bit too loud and hyper for my liking. Before I got too annoyed, I suggested that Ruth and I head back to the hotel room. She reluctantly agreed and so we went back.

We dined at the nicest of the three restaurants that night, probably just to show how rich we were. The food was disgusting and as for the restaurant, it smelt like too many incense. Happy was an understatement for what I felt when we were finally done eating.

It was only 9pm and I was dying to go to the teen club. Acquiring from what I’d read on the poster earlier, I knew the club was open from 10pm-1am.

 

“Mum, Dad, can I please go to the teen club on the ship tonight?” I asked after entering our room.

 

“No.” My mother replied instantly. My face fell immediately, but I wasn’t going to give up that easily.

 

“Why? You haven’t even heard me out yet! I’ll be careful I promise! I’ll text you every half hour and everything! Please just let me go!” I pleaded.

 

“I said no Liam. Now get ready for bed.” She replied back coldly.

 

“Dad please! Do something! I never do anything fun ever! I don’t even have any friends over back home! Why don’t you understand?” I yelled.

 

My Dad gave me a thoughtful look and then turned to my mum. “Honey, he’s right you know? He does never go out. This’ll be good for him?”

 

My Mother, always the over-protective parent, looked astounded at my father’s words. I could tell by the look on her face that she was contemplating her decision. She sighed before saying, “Fine, but I swear to God if you are home any later than midnight I will personally come into that club and pull you out by your hair, understand?”

 

A huge, doting milled graced my face as I replied, “Thank you mum! I love you. Don’t worry I’ll be home by then.”

And with that I retreated to my room that I shared with Ruth to get ready. I changed into a blue/white/grey plaid shirt, black skinny jeans and converse. Admiring my clothing choice in the mirror, I ran my fingers through my short, wavy hair. Figuring I looked decent, I bid my parents goodbye and swiftly left.

The club was already rammed as I arrived at around 10:15. It was dark inside and “Can’t Hold Us” was blaring through the speakers. I loved this song, so I kind of saw this as a guarantee that tonight was going to be great. Little did I know that this night would change me forever.

A red-headed girl in skimpy shorts and an off the shoulder shirt asked me to dance, not wanting to be rude, I accepted the offer. She was cute and a pretty good dancer so we danced together for a while. I had a feeling though that she was enjoying this a lot more than I was.

“Hey, do you wanna go outside?” She asked me as she grinded on me. The idea of doing anything sexual with her made me cringe so I just shook my head and said, “Sorry, you’re lovely but no.”

The girl looked offended and walked away presumably to dance with someone else without saying another word. I was pretty thirsty so I walked towards the bar and ordered myself a coke. As the liquid ran down my throat I noticed two, very obviously gay, guys grinding against on each other. While most guys would be horrified by the sight, I actually thought it was kind of hot.

The thought left my mind as quickly as it had entered. I couldn’t think like that. I wasn’t gay.

Well, at least I was pretty sure I wasn’t.

Downing the rest of my coke in one gulp, I walked back onto the dance floor. I danced with a couple of girls and I was having a pretty good time. Then I felt someone tap me on the shoulder. I turned to see I was face-to-face with an incredibly good looking guy.

 

“Hey, I’m Zayn. What’s your name?” The guy whispered into my ear, making my skin shudder.

 

“Er, Liam, Liam Payne.” I stupidly replied back.

 

He laughed a little at my response. Leaning ever closer he said, “You’re adorable, Liam Payne.”

 

Blushing like mad, I replied, “Erm, thanks?” He wasn’t giving up easily though.

 

“So, are you single?”

 

“Yes. Why?” I spat back.

 

“Woah, just wondering. Did I mention how cute you are?” Zayn said in a somewhat, seductive tone.

 

“Yeah, you did actually, but look mate, I’m not gay.”

 

“Never said you were.” He replied with a stupid smirk on his face. “But just come with me for a second.”

 

“What? Where?” I replied hastily as he latched onto my wrist.

 

“Mate, calm down. You’re not gonna’ catch my gayness. I just want to talk.” Zayn said chuckling. Considering what he just said, I decided there was no harm in following him. Zayn pulled us out onto the small balcony from the club that over-looked the ocean. The view was stunning. My admiration of the ocean’s beauty was interrupted by the voice that was quickly starting to annoy me.

 

“So, Liam Payne, where’re you from?”

 

“Centerville, Lowa. How about you?”

 

“Oh! So he actually talks without insulting me!” Zayn joked. “I’m from Daytona, Florida, hence why I’m so tanned.”

 

“Lucky, Lowa sucks.” I replied gloomily.

 

“How? Someone as hot as you, you must have girls falling left, right and centre!” Zayn said with a smirk.

 

Blushing at his compliment, I said, “Not exactly…” I began but was interrupted.

 

“Oh I get it, you’re the brooding, mysterious type. I bet the girls still love you. They’re probably just afraid you’ll turn them down.” He interjected.

 

“I doubt.” I said, letting out a small chuckle.

 

“Mate, shut up. You’re fucking hot. Trust me. I know when someone’s hot.” Zayn said sternly.

 

“I’m really not, But thanks again for the consistent compliments.” I said to him with a smile.

 

He simply stood there looking at my for a while before saying something that shocked me a bit. “You’re gay, aren’t you?” Zayn asked.

 

Shocked and annoyed, I spat back. “No. I already told you, I’m fucking straight.”

 

“I know what you said. But I’m asking you now, are you gay? It’s an easy question.” Zayn simply said.

 

“No!” I yelled at him, anger coursing through me.

 

“Oh but I think you are.” Zayn said back with a wink.

 

I hated him. I really hated this dick and I barely even knew him. “Fuck you.” I said harshly, turning to leave. My hand reached for the door when I felt two hands turn me around by the waist. I looked up to see Zayn standing entirely too close, his hands remaining on my waist.

“Liam? Are. You. Gay?” Zayn said slowly, making sure to enunciate every word.

 

I didn’t know why I hadn’t punched him in the face by now. There was no way I was gay. Well, I did sometimes admire the beauty of guys, especially Louis, but that didn’t make me gay.

 

“I already said no, asswhole.” I spat back.

 

His grip remained tight on my waist as I studied his face, He was clearly contemplating something and I was mildly curious as to what it was. I saw an unreadable look pass over his face. Then it happened.

Without warning, Zayn leaned forward and pressed his lips against mine. I was horrified, ashamed and turned on all at the same time. The kiss only lasted for a few seconds before he pulled back. It was my first kiss, and it had been with another boy. I felt paralyzed, my legs wouldn’t move from their current spot. Zayn was just staring at me, I had no idea what to do next.

So I did what felt right. Initializing another kiss. Zayn was taken aback by my actions but he wasn’t complaining. he was a great kisser, and when I say great, I mean fantastic. He forced his tongue into my mouth as I ran my hands through his jet-black hair. I knew this was wrong, but it felt so right. We made out for 5 minutes or so, before we finally separated.

 

Totally not gay.” He said while laughing.

 

I blushed bright red, not believing what I had just done. “Shut up! Just shut up!” I shouted. Mortified I ran from the balcony and back to my room.

How could I be gay? My parents, oh God my parents?! They’d kill me if they ever found out. Dad made it clear how much he hated “fags” and “queers”. Maybe it was just a phase. Yeah, that was it. This was just a stage. I’d realise that I’m not gay and I’d live a normal life like I’d always planned.

With false hope and tears threatening to spill from my eyes, I reached my room. Quietly opening the door to avoid waking Ruth, I noticed that I was home thirty minutes early. My mum and dad had obviously planned on waiting up for me, but they’d both fallen asleep on the sofa. I smiled at their sleeping forms, hoping that they would never find out.

Laying in bed that night trying to fall asleep, I realised two things for certain. One: I was gay, there was no getting around it now. This one was easier to get my head around. Two: This was harder to accept. I wasn’t drawn to Louis Tomlinson because I wanted to be his friend, I loved Louis Tomlinson.

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, this is not my work and I would appreciate if anyone knew who's it was. Also, this may or may not be the original start to the chapter but I think it is for this one.

Senior Year. It’s supposed to be the time of your life - full of parties you won’t remember and memories that’ll last a lifetime. Ha. What a joke. My senior year dragged on much like any other year, meaning that I couldn’t wait for graduation this spring. I’d always been incredibly shy and so I was pretty lonely. The only person who’d ever acknowledged my existence at school was Tammy Turbine, but she hardly counted because she was nice to everyone. On certain occasions she would sit with me at lunch and attempt small talk with me, but I wasn’t interested. I was fine on my own, and I’d decided by then that blending in was a lot easier than being yourself.

So you’re probably wondering what happened since my sudden realisation aboard that cruise ship three years ago. I’d come to terms with my sexuality, but Hell would had to have frozen me over before I came out to anyone. Even though being gay in the 21st century was much more widely accepted, I just couldn’t bring myself to but my parents through that much embarrassment. They’d be absolutely mortified if they found out. I wouldn’t be shocked if they kicked me out of the house either. My father grew up in a very religious home; my grandfather was a pastor and he lived by the Bible. Hence, my father is very persistent in stating that ‘no man should ever lay down with another man’. It saddened me to know that my parents would never know that my parents would never love me for whom I really was, but maybe the Bible was right, maybe I was an abomination who deserved to burn in Hell.

A knock of the door threw me from my thoughts. I shifted my gaze towards the door to see my son Landon, his wide Taryn and their two children, Aubree and Aiden standing in the doorway.

 

“Hi Dad, How’re you feeling?” Landon asked as they all walked towards me. They all sat in chairs along the wall closest to my bed, waiting for my reply.

 

“Eh, you know. Pretty decent.” I lied straight through my teeth.

 

“That’s good.” Landon said. “Jeanie said that you tried to leave without permission again, Dad…”

 

I rolled my eyes before answering him. “Oh Jeanie doesn’t know shit. I told her I wanted some fresh air.”

 

Landon sighed before continuing. “Dad, look this is the nicest place we could find within driving distance. And it’s not like it’s cheap either. So could you please just listen to what the nurses and doctors tell you and not cause any trouble?”

 

“Landon I hate it here! I’m trapped here twenty four hours a day with no one to talk to besides these nurses who look at me like I’m just another old guy waiting to die! You and Carter could visit me a little more often you know! I am your father! But you two are just too damn busy with your lives to even remember me anymore!” I yelled, getting more and more worked up.

 

“Dad! That’s not fair! You know that’s not fair! I’ve come to see you on every chance that I have. And Carter, well...you know how busy the firm can be! He loves you Dad, but he’s just been really occupied with work lately.” Landon retorted with a tint of guilt in his voice.

 

“Please just leave. I don’t wanna see anyone right now, Landon.” I said to them.

 

“We just got here!” Landon stated in an annoyed tone. “Jesus Dad! Maybe the reason why Carter never comes to see you is because you’re such an asswhole! Ever since mum left all you do is sit around feeling sorry for yourself!”

 

His words stung. Maybe I did sulk a little more often than necessary, but Dahlia leaving me had nothing to do with it. It’s all because of him. “JUST LEAVE! And your mother has nothing to do with this!” I screamed.

 

“Gladly.” Landon huffed before getting up and leaving. Taryn followed her husband awkwardly out of the room. Aubree and Aiden both shot me an apologetic glance, they too left.

 

I was all alone.

 

Again.

 

Ah yes. The first day of senior year. It was what you’d expect; teachers sharing information about themselves and going over guidelines and rules for the year. It was awful, especially because I’d decided to take Calculus and Physics. These classes were only taken by kids who wanted to make something important of themselves later on in life, like maybe a doctor or perhaps a chemist. I had no idea what I wanted to do in the future. My father had been pushing me to follow in his footsteps and become a doctor since I was in diapers, but quite frankly just the sight of blood made my stomach churn.

The only plus side of my day was that Louis was in my sociology class. I know. I know. Still pining over a straight guy who was taken by an extremely gorgeous girl? Yes. But I’d never let anyone know this. Louis was like the only good thing in the entire town of Centerville. Well, at least he was to me. He wasn’t just a kid anymore; he was now 18 years old and still incredibly attractive. I was about an inch taller than him but he was in no way short. Even his sense of style was attractive. His usual attire consisted of a t-shirt, black skinny jeans and vans. Honestly, it was a tad unfair to how attractive he was.

I hadn’t kissed anyone, boy or girl since that night on the cruise ship with Zayn. But I was a loser, and unsurprisingly no one would ever want to kiss me. I’m just average looking, nothing too special. The only thing I mildly liked about myself was my stomach. I’d be lying if I said my abs weren’t pretty good.

I took a seat in my classroom, which to my enjoyment was diagonal from where Louis was sat. He looked really really hot today. Class had not yet started, so Louis was glued to his phone, probably texting his ‘lovely’ girlfriend. Ugh. Whatever. Guess I’ll just have to admire you from afar Louis Tomlinson, not that I’m not used to it.

 

“Welcome everyone. My name is Ms. Claud and I will be your sociology teacher for the year. Everyone look down at your schedules, if you don’t see room number 104 next to your fifth period class…” Ms Claud began, then continued in a fake Boston accent, “Then get outta’ here!”

 

No one laughed at her joke. The poor woman. I could tell straight away this was going to be a long year.

 

“So, anywho, you will have a partner for the year. You will complete all of your classroom and homework assignments with this partner. I don’t want to hear any complaints about partners, Okay? The pairs are final. You’ll just have to learn how to deal with each other.” Ms. Claud continued.

 

Several students groaned at this announcement, myself included. I did not want to work with someone else on all of my assignments. I was smart and usually my partner took advantage of this whenever we were forced to work in pairs and I got stuck doing all of the work. This was going to be shit.

 

“The first pair is Gordensky and Harvey.” Ms. Claud said with enthusiasm. “Caldwell and Tincher. Meeker and Bates. Lowell and Dennis. McDermitt and Tate.” She continued calling out pairs. “And Tomlinson and Payne.”

 

This couldn’t be happening. Louis Tomlinson and I were going to be working together...for an entire year! Feelings of nausea and excitement surged through me. I wasn’t entirely sure what to do. I suddenly felt really nervous. My hands got really clammy and I just knew that somehow I would fuck this up.

I was so wrapped up in my own thoughts that I didn’t even notice when Louis came to sit into the desk right beside me.

 

“Hey, you’re Liam right?” He asked with a friendly grin.

 

“Er, yeah.” Was all I could think of to say back.

 

“Well partner, I guess we should get started on today’s assignment!” Shit. I hadn’t even been listening to Ms. Claud explain today’s task.

 

“What exactly is that again?” I muttered, refusing to look at him.

 

“Were you not listening? Damn, I thought I’d lucked out when she put us together. Thought you were smart!” He said in a joking manner. “But I guess we have to learn more about our partners.” He added.

 

I was such an idiot. He hated me. He totally hated me.

 

“Right ok, so where do we begin?” I said.

 

“Hmm, who’s your favourite superhero?” Louis asked.

 

“Batman I guess, yours?” I replied with a small laugh.

 

“SUPERMAN!” He said, a lot louder than necessary, causing several other students and the teacher to look over.

 

“Louis, inside voices please.” Ms. Claud commanded.

 

“My deepest apologies, Ms. Claud. Won’t let it happen again.” Louis retorted, making me laugh. He smiled and continued talking. “So, you a virgin Payne>”

 

I blushed, not expecting such a personal question. “Er, erm well...yeah.” I said, looking at anything other than him.

 

Louis laughed at my awkwardness then said, “Why? Are you like, really religious or something?”

 

This conversation was making me really uncomfortable. “No, not exactly. It just hasn’t happened.”

 

“There’s plenty of hot girls around here who’d be plenty willing to sleep with you. Trust me.” Louis said. His words reminded me of Zayn, the blush on my face deepening.

 

“Yeah, I don’t know…” I managed to say.

 

“You know what? By the end of the semester, I’m gonna get you laid my friend. You seem like you could really use it, no offense or anything. You just seem really uptight.” Louis said with his adorable smile.

 

I couldn’t really refuse his offer, even if sleeping with a girl sounded as appealing as rolling through thorn bushes. “Erm, alright.”

 

“How about Sam?” Louis asked me while pointing to a cute blonde girl across the room.”

 

“Not really my type.” I said back.

 

“What is your type?” Louis questioned.

 

Boys. More particularly, boys like YOU.

“Brunettes.” Was all I could think to say.

 

“Hmm okay. How about Carly?” He asked again.

 

“No.” I said back hurriedly.”You know what? Can we just forget this whole thing?”

 

“Whatever, just trying to help a friend out.” Louis said casually.

 

Friend.

 

The word both destroyed be and thrilled me. He considered me his friend already, but his friend was all I thought I’d ever be to him.

 

“Thanks really, but can we just talk about something else.” I weakly replied.

 

We made small talk for the rest of the class, learning things about each other. He told me about all of his sisters, so I told him about Ruth. He talked about his joke about carrots that he once made, that now his friend would never let go of and always bought him carrot related gifts for his birthday, which I found slightly odd. Then he told me about his favourite football team. The more he told me about himself, the more I loved him. He was perfect. No other word could describe him other than perfect. My heart did sink a little when he spoke of his girlfriend, bit of course I didn’t let that show. However, I did feel a little better about what he had to say about her.

 

“She’s really hot and everything, but really, she’s kind of stupid.” He said, making me laugh. He grinned before continuing. “Like, she is just dense. We can never have any serious conversations. Ever. To be completely honest, I know we’ll never make it past High School. She wants to pursue her modelling I guess. But I’m going to LSU (Lowa State University) next year and the whole long distance thing never works out.” He admitted.

 

I laughed shyly, not really knowing what to say.

 

“Can’t believe I told you all that. I hardly even know you.” Louis said between small laughs.

 

“Yeah…” Was all I said back.

 

“Well thanks for listening. I guess.” Louis said with a big smile.

 

“Anytime.” I said as the bell rang.

  
I watched him leave the classroom quickly, noticing how nice of an arse he had. I’m gay, what do you expect!

 

My door creaked open again, revealing the nurse from earlier today, Jeanie.

 

“Hello Liam.” She said in an all too friendly voice.

 

“Jeanie.” I simply said back.

 

She scoffed at my curt behaviour, but I couldn’t care less.

 

“Well here’s your lunch Mr. Payne. When you’re all done just ring for one of us.” She said, then briskly walked out.

 

I looked down at the tray she left on my lap. Mashed potatoes, cut up apple slices and a peanut butter ‘n jelly sandwich. Gross. Even the food here was disgusting. I piled down the barely tolerable food as quickly as possible, and rang for one of the nurses. An unrecognisable nurse came in shortly after and gathered my tray without a word. God have I told you how much I hate this place?

 

I thought more of Louis.

Sociology was my favourite class that I’d ever taken. The class itself was actually pretty boring, but having Louis as a partner made it completely entertaining. He was hilarious, we always messed around during class. I think by the end of the first week Ms. Claud regretted putting us together because we were loud and didn’t really do much work, but I was ok with that. Hell, I was more than ok with that. I loved being his partner. Louis was one of the nicest, funniest and most caring people I’d ever met. Whenever he saw me in the hallway he’d wave at me or say a simple, “Hey!” I knew it didn’t mean much or anything, but to me it was incredible. Each day I fell more and more for him, I knew I shouldn’t but I couldn’t help myself.

To my own disappointment, we hadn’t done any at home assignments together yet by the end of the first semester. We somehow managed to get all our work done in class, and we then divided all our other work to do separately. It made me feel as if Louis didn’t want to have to spend anymore time with me than he was required to, but I tried not to think like that.

Then, after the start of the second semester, what I’d been praying for finally happened.

Ms. Claud gained the class’ attention and said, “Okay, today we’re starting projects on the significance of body language. Your project can either be a powerpoint presentation or oral essay. It’s up to you which one you do. This will require working together outside of the classroom as we will not be working on it in class. All projects are due and the end of the quarter. Any questions?”

 

“How long does it have to be?” Louis asked her.

 

“However long you feel necessary Louis.” She said.

 

Louis turned to me and rolled his eyes at her answer. I laughed, of course. Practically everything he did made me laugh.

 

“So when do you wanna get started?” I asked him one Ms, Claud had returned to her chair.

 

“How about Friday night?” Louis said. I didn’t have plans, I never had plans.

 

“Yeah that sounds good.”

 

“My house or yours?” He questioned.

 

“Mine.” I said rather quickly. I knew I wouldn’t feel at all comfortable in his house.

 

“Alrighty, is it cool if I come around seven?”

 

I nodded my head.

 

“Cool. Gimme your number so you can text me the address.” Louis said.

 

I was dying inside. I knew it was only due to school, but Louis Tomlinson was asking for my number!

I wrote down my number on a scrap piece of paper and handed it to him. He smiled and grabbed the paper before carefully placing it into his pocket. The end of class bell rang and we all trudged through the doorway. I couldn’t believe that in 48 hours Louis Tomlinson would be at my house! On his own free will at that!

 

In that moment, I realised, that I was in love with Louis Tomlinson.

 

I was still lying in bed, and I laughed just remembering how nervous I had been so many years ago.

Friday couldn’t have come fast enough. I sat in my last class of the day feeling both anxious and excited. It was very embarrassing, but no one  from my school had ever even stepped foot inside my house before Louis. But remember, I had no friends. I wasn’t entirely sure how I was supposed to act when he got there. Sure Louis and I were what you would call school friends, but I never ever thought we’d become so much more.

I pulled into my driveway and walked into my house. “Li li!” I heard Ruth shout as she ran to give me a hug. Even though Ruth was only eight years old and I was seventeen, we were still very close. I guess I would have probably considered her my best friend. Go ahead, laugh. I know how lame it sounds.

 

“Hey Ruthy, how was school?” I said to her cheerfully once she had released me from her hug.

 

“Today we had show and tell! And guess what!” Ruth screamed with excitement. I laughed at how cute she was, then replied with;

 

“What?”

 

“I brought in my pet turtle Larry! Everyone loved him! Well not Mrs. Susan, she said I couldn’t bring in anymore pets. Then she called Mummy and Daddy...But don’t worry Li I’m not in trouble!” Ruth said back.

 

“Where in the world did you find a turtle?” I asked, rather confused.

 

“The pond by the school yard.” She said as if it were the most obvious answer in the world.

 

I laughed at her and said, “You’re crazy.”

 

“Lili will you come and play outside with me and Larry after dinner?” I felt guilty having to say no. But Louis Tomlinson was coming over then.

 

“Sorry Ruthy, I can’t. A friend’s coming over to work on a project.”

 

She frowned at this and said, “Who?”

 

“Er...his name is Louis.” I replied nervously.

 

“Well, you, me, Louis and Larry can all play outside then!” She shouted happily.

 

“I don’t know about that kiddo, we’ll see.” Ruth was satisfied with my answer and so she left me, presumably to play with her dolls or something in her room. I walked upstairs to my own bedroom. It was very spacious actually, a lot bigger than I would have liked. The walls were painted dark blue, but were covered mostly with posters of my favourite movies, bands and TV shows. I had several Fall Out Boy, Blink-182, N-SYNC and Justin Timberlake posters. I also had several posters of my favourite television show ever, Friday Night Lights. Not only was it a great show, but it also had some pretty hot guys in it too, which was always a good thing. My king-sized bed was covered in a black and white comforter. I was a bit nervous that within two hours Louis would be in my room.

In order to pass time until Louis arrived, I turned on the television and began flipping through the channels, stopping when I heard the familiar chime ‘Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?’ come from the television. Yes, seventeen and still watches spongebob, shoot me. I looked at my watch seeing it read 6:58pm. Excitement and nerves rushed through me as I thought Louis would be here any minute!

I paced across my room nervously waiting for him to arrive. The doorbell rang and I looked down at my watch, 7:04pm. Running down the stairs, I caught my breath before opening the door.

 

“Hey! Come in!” I said to an awaiting Louis.

 

Louis smiled walking inside. I closed the door and nerves quickly filled me up. I didn’t know what to do. He was just standing there, looking gorgeous as ever, admiring my house.

 

“Damn, didn’t know you were rich Liam.” Louis commented.

 

“”Yeah...I guess it’s not something I like to talk about.” I said, scratching the back of my neck nervously.

 

“True. I would have probably found it weird if you were all like ‘Hey I’m Liam and I’m rich!’” He said while laughing.

 

I laughed too, beginning to relax a little. “Let’s go to my room so we can get to work.”

 

“Yes sir! Liam sir!” Louis said back, imitating a soldier.

 

We walked upstairs to my bedroom. I closed the door, not wanting any distractions while working. Louis placed his school bag on the floor, then threw himself onto my bed.

 

I began laughing and said, “Well then, just make yourself at home Louis.”

 

“Planned on it.” He said with a wink.

 

And good God, I thought that I was going to die right then and there. Just because he winked at me. Clearing my throat a little, I took a secret breath before sitting on the beanbag to look at him.

 

“So I was thinking we should do a powerpoint. Seems a lot easier.” Louis said, rolling onto his back, still on my bed.

 

I agreed with him completely. Reading an entire essay to my classmates sounded horrible; public speaking wasn’t on my list of favourite things to do.

 

“I’ll get started on the pictures we can use. You can start on the writing.” Louis said with a smirk.

 

“Not fair! Why do I have to start with the hard stuff!” I complained.

 

“Because you’re the smart one. Duh.”

 

“You’re smart too Louis, you just don’t apply yourself.” I said.

 

“No. I’m just really not smart. It’s okay though, I make up for it by being funny.” Louis replied in a serious tone.

 

“Whatever you say.” I replied, knowing he’d never agree with me.

 

We worked in silence, the only sounds being heard, our breathing and the tapping at the keyboard. The silence was interrupted by Ruth opening my door and running into my room.

 

“Li Li!” She yelled as she jumped onto my beanbag.

 

“Hey Ruth, we’re trying to work on our project okay? I’ll talk to you later.” I said to her.

 

“But Lili! You said you guys would play with me and Larry outside!” She whined.

 

This gained Louis’ full attention, he closed the laptop.

 

“Who’s Larry?” Louis asked softly.

 

“He’s my turtle! Wanna come play with him outside?” Ruth asked.

 

“Oh man, I’d love to.” Louis yelled getting up from my bed.

 

“Come on Li Li, Let’s go play with Larry and Ruth!” Louis shouted with a little smirk.

 

I glared at him because we really needed to work more on this project.

 

“Shut up.” Was all I said to him before I closed my own laptop and got up from the chair.

 

“WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Louis screamed once he realised I’d agreed.

 

Ruth collected Larry from the tank in her room, I wonder where that came from? Parents probably bought her one so she didn’t cry. We headed outside, Ruth taking the lead so Louis and I followed suit. Our backyard was large and only had one big maple tree near the edge.

“Okay!” Ruth began. “I’m the pretty princess! And Li, you’re the big bad dragon who tries to capture me!”

 

“What?! Why am I the bad guy Ruthy?” I protested.

 

“Shhh.” Louis directed at me, earning an approving smile from Ruth.

 

Louis chuckled quietly, and I just elbowed him in the side.

 

“Anyways, Louis you’re my prince who has to save me from the big ugly dragon!” Ruth declared.

 

“Ugly?!” I said, a little offended. Louis just laughed, which encouraged her even more.

 

“Li Li, stop complaining and act like the dragon!” Ruth shouted at me.

 

“Wait, what about Larry?” Louis questioned.

 

“He’s my side-kick and best friend. Okay go!”

 

Before I could protest, Ruth broke into character.

 

“Oh Larry, when will my prince come for me?” Ruth asked the turtle resting in her hands.

 

“I am here my lady! No need to look any further!” Louis all of a sudden said in his deepest voice possible, which sounded a little ridiculous, leading me to laugh.

 

“Shhh Li Li! Dragons don’t laugh!” Ruth whispered urgently at me.

 

“Okay, okay, sorry.” I said composing myself.

 

“My prince! How did you find me?” Ruth swooned.

 

“Well, I travelled far and long to get here. I fought off dragons and evil witches, but it was all worth it to see you my princess!” Louis shouted back, still in character.

 

It was adorable how into the game Louis was. The girl who fathered his children some day would be a lucky woman.

 

“So prince? What is your name?” Ruth called out.

 

“I am Prince Louis Tomlinson.” Louis said proudly.

 

“Pleasure to meet you Louis.” Ruth replied, sticking her hand out for Louis to kiss, which he did.

 

“Liam, now’s your time to come in.” Ruth whispered to me.

 

This was embarrassing. I didn’t want to make a fool of myself in front of the boy I was hopelessly in love with, but being the great big brother I am, I decided to just go for it. Hey, maybe it’ll make Louis laugh.

 

“AHHHHHHHH!” I screamed stomping on all fours. Both Ruth and Louis burst out into hysterical laughter.

 

“Oh no! Look it’s an ugly dragon!” Ruth screamed.

 

“I’ll save you Ruth!” Louis yelled.

 

What Louis did next shocked me. He came charging at me, throwing his entire body straight into mine.

 

“Louis, you’re not supposed to wrestle the dragon silly!” Ruth yelled through her giggles.

 

Louis ignored her and continued trying to pin me down. I put up little of a struggle as this position was quite...thought provoking...inappropriately...if you know what I mean.

 

“Do you give up now dragon?” Louis asked me.

 

“Yes! Please have mercy on me!” I begged back, laughing a little.

 

“Kill him!” Ruth yelled, making us both laugh.

 

Louis was crouching on top of me, his arms holding me in place.

 

“As you wish, madame.” Louis said. He looked down at me and winked before pretending to chop my head off. Still in character, I acted as if I’d just been slain.

 

“My hero!” Ruth squealed, jumping onto Louis.

 

Louis was taken aback at first, but was soon running around the garden acting like an aeroplane with Ruth on his back. I couldn’t control the warming feeling spreading through me, nor the laughter spilling like buckets from my lips. Louis was truly perfect. It was such a damn shame he was straight.

It was getting dark and Louis said that he should head home soon. That night had been perfect, absolutely bloody perfect. I liked him that much more after seeing him with Ruth. He was so carefree and didn’t care what anyone thought about him. That was probably my favourite thing about him, well, maybe my second favourite thing.

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

School became a lot less awful now that Louis and I were friends. Sociology was still my favourite class, by far, but I started to hate my other classes a little less as well. This was probably due to the fact that occasionally, Louis would walk around with me in the halls. He was my only real friend. He made me feel wanted for the first time in my life, and I’m still thankful for that, to this very day.

The end of third quarter was drawing near, Louis and I had finished our project just the night before. We were in sociology talking about the movie ‘Inception’.

 

“He’s totally back in the real world in the ending!” Louis said.

 

“Louis! You don’t know that for a fact!”

 

“Yes I do. Why would they make a movie where he never got to see his kids again? That’d just be too depressing Liam.” He replied.

 

Louis, the optimist he always was, saw the good in everything; so much so that it ended in the burial of an innocent 26 year old man.

 

“Louis why do you see the good in everything? You know there are some bad things in the world, right?”

 

He looked at me for a second, then said, “I know Liam. I’m not an idiot. But aren’t there enough people in the world who want to see the bad in everything? I’m just thankful to be alive. So what’s there to complain about?”

 

I was lost for words, I had no idea how to respond. “Yeah...I guess so…”

 

Louis continued to take notes, all I could do was sit there transfixed on him, and only him. So unlike any person I’d ever met, he made me want to be a better person.

I guess you could say he changed me for the better. I started to see the world from a different light. Yeah, I was shy and had next to no friends, and yes, my parents would never accept the real me, but it was all going to be okay. Everything was going to be okay…

 

Jeanie walked into my room, announcing her presence by clearing her throat loudly.

 

“Yes…” I began.

 

“Mr. Payne. It appears you have another visitor here to see you.”

 

A woman I never thought I’d ever see again walked into my room. I must have showed the distaste on my face as she scoffed. “Well it’s nice to see you too, jeez. Haven’t seen each other in thirty years and you can’t even say hello.”

 

I sighed. “Hello Dahlia.”

 

“Hi Liam.” Dahlia said. I couldn’t help but notice a drip of sarcasm in her voice.

 

“Why are you here? I mean, we were married for 17 years and then you decide to leave me without even telling me why. Then when I try to call you, you ignore me and change your number. So why now?” I said, anger rising within me.

 

“I know all about Louis.” Was all she said, her voice cold.

 

I started panicking. No one knew. Not ever. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I replied quickly, too quickly, trying not to stutter.

 

“Liam don’t act dumb. You know exactly what I’m talking about.” Dahlia scowled. “You think I never saw the picture of you two in your wallet? Or heard you say his name in your sleep? Or didn’t notice how you cried yourself to sleep for the first three years that we were together?”

 

I had no idea she knew.

 

“So don’t give me that ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about’ bullshit Liam. Okay? But I just want to know, why did you even ask me to marry you if you were still in love with this Louis guy? That wasn’t fair Liam! I loved you! And I believed you when you said you loved me too!” Dahlia screamed. That must have been eating away at her for thirty years.

 

“Dahlia, I’m so sorry...but you don’t understand.” I said, too ashamed to look her on the eyes.

 

“To hell I don’t understand! I’m not dumb Liam! You were too damn afraid to admit you’re a fag, so you settled with me! Well fuck you Liam! That’s the reason I left you with no explanation! You don’t deserve one.” She spat.

 

Fag fag fag fag. The word rang through my ears, burning my brain. I hated it. I hated it I hated it I hated it.

 

“Don’t call me that Dahlia.”

 

She snorted. “Why? It’s what you are! Your dad isn’t around anymore to stop you from being with him! So go Liam! Go do whatever the fuck it is that you fags do with Louis or whoever the hell he is!”

 

I’d kept the anger, the pain, under control until then. I could handle her hating me and I could handle her calling me all of the names she pleased, but not him. Not my Louis. He didn’t deserve that. He didn’t deserve any of this.

 

“You shut the fuck up! You can call me whatever you want but leave him out of this! You don’t know anything about him! He was a better person than you will ever be!” I screamed at her, tears dripping from the outsides of my eyes.

 

“Was? Did the fag die? How unfortunate.” She said, then laughed at her own comment.

 

“Get the fuck out! NOW!” I screamed at the top of my voice, suddenly finding there wasn’t enough oxygen in the room. “JEANIE! JEANIE! PLEASE SOMEONE HELP! GET HER THE FUCK OUT OF HERE! PLEASE!”

 

Nurses whizzed into my room and while three held me down, Jeanie pricked my arm with a needle. Everything started to become fuzzy. My eyelids felt too heavy to remain open. I closed my eyes, realising the bitch had sedated me.

 

I loved her at one point. I really did. I was just never in love with her. I’d only ever been in love with one person.

 

Louis.

 

I thought back to graduation day. He looked beautiful in his graduation cap and gown. His smile was as big as ever when he called his name  and he walked across the stage proudly to collect his diploma from Principal Scott. I don’t remember much else of the ceremony. There were a lot of tears as students said goodbye to their friends that they promised to stay in touch with, but most likely didn’t.

 

“Liam! Hey!” Louis yelled as he walked towards me and the rest of my family.

 

Did I mention that I also got accepted into ISU? Well, I did. And while Louis going there did play a huge role in my choosing, it also had a great journalist program. My father wasn’t all that pleased with my choice of career, but with encouragement from Louis, I decided to do what made me happy. We’d be rooming together at ISU, because we both figured it would be easier to start off college with at least one friend. Also, getting to spend that much time with Louis? Of course I was excited!

However, unlike most graduating seniors, I was not excited for my senior summer. Louis was spending practically all summer in California with his family, meaning I would spend yet another summer alone. I groaned from the back seat of my parent’s car, getting my mother’s attention.

 

“What’s wrong honey?” She asked.

 

“Nothing mum, I’m fine.” I said, shooting her a fake smile.

 

“Okay good. So how does it feel to be a college boy now, huh?” She said. I loved my mum dearly, but her idea of small talk was ludacris sometimes.

 

“No different really.” I replied after a while.

 

The rest of the ride home was silent. We pulled up to our house and I immediately cocooned myself in my room. This is where I stayed most of that summer; reading books, watching television, listening to music and occasionally texting Louis. He only texted me when he got bored with his family, but it’s not like that was going to stop me from replying. Apparently, everyone in California was orange and they dressed weird- well at least that’s what Louis told me. I missed him so much, but the occasional texting did help a bit. I just missed seeing his face, and hearing his laugh and feeling his presence. Needless to say, I couldn’t wait for fall to begin!

 

September 1st rolled around much too slowly for my liking. I’d packed everything from my room into boxes, which I had loaded into my Range Rover the previous day. I was set to leave in twenty minutes for college. It hit me that I’d no longer be eating breakfast with my family, no longer have Ruth to talk to when I was lonely.

Ruth. She was the hardest thing to leave behind. I loved my baby sister more than anything, and it felt like I was abandoning her.

I walked out of my room, closing the door behind me. That was the last time I could ever call it my own again. I slowly walked down the stairs, taking in as much of the house as I could. I noticed the fire place in the living room that I’d always loved so much; the staircase where I broke my ankle when I was seven, running too fast messing around with Ruth. As much as I hated to admit it, I was going to miss home.

My parents and Ruth were waiting by the door, knowing that soon I’d be gone. I looked into my mother’s tear-filled eyes, then she broke down. I never dealt well with people crying, so I just hugged her telling her it was going to be alright.

 

“My baby boy! You grew up so fast!” She choked out. “I just wish you didn’t have to go!”

 

“I know mum, I’m sorry, but I have to go.” I said back, feeling a lump in my throat.

 

“Son, be careful, alright?” My father said to me.

 

“I will dad.” I said back. He stuck his hand out, I instinctively shook it. Dad was never a hugger. I thought that maybe he’d hug me just this once, since I was moving out, but I guess not.

Ruth looked up at me, tears streaming down her face. I couldn’t look at her without crying. She looked so broken.

 

“P-please don’t go Li Li!” She wailed.

 

I wiped the tears from my face. “I wish I didn’t have to go Ruthy. But I hate to and I’ll still come and visit as much as possible. I promise. And you can call me any time you want, okay?”

 

“But Li Li, what am I gonna do without you? You’re my bestest friend!” Ruth said between sobs.

 

I picked her up, hugging her tightly. “I know, you’re mine too. You always will be. I love you Ruthy, but I really have to go now.”

 

Gently setting her back on the ground, she nodded and mumbled, “I love you too Li.”

 

And with that, I was gone. The door closed behind me, and so my new life began.

 

College.

 

I whipped my Range Rover into an available parking space. Louis had texted me earlier today, telling me that he’d already arrived and unpacked. I’d asked him if wouldn’t mind helping me with all my boxes, and Louis being Louis, graciously agreed.

I pushed the door open, stepping out of my car. Sure I was going to miss home, but this was my new home. Popping open the trunk of my car, I started to grab as many boxes as I possibly could hold. I was so preoccupied with my own boxes that I didn’t even notice him.

 

“Hey.” Louis said casually, leaning against the frame of my car.

 

“Oh god! Louis! You scared the shit out of me!” I screamed, embracing him in a friendly hug. “How ya’ been man?”

 

Louis laughed his adorable laugh. “Pretty good. My summer was total shit, but besides that I’m fantastic!”

 

I couldn’t control the smile plastered on my face. Seeing him after so long made me ecstatic.

 

“Well that’s good then.”I replied, he smiled at me.

 

“Need any help with those boxes then Payne?” Louis asked with a wink.

 

“That would be lovely.” He grabbed the remaining boxes from my trunk and closed it shut.

 

“Follow me.” He said.

 

Louis led us through several hallways full of students rushing around trying to adjust to their new homes.

 

“Ahh, here we are. Room 208A.” Louis said, pulling out a key to our door to unlock it.

 

Our door. It felt good to say that.

 

The door swung open to reveal a dorm that looked like any other room. It contained two twin sized beds, a desk and two closets. My side of the room was definitely in the need of some personality. Louis’ side was already completely unpacked. Anyone who knew him would be able to tell it was his room. His bedding was red with white stripes, the walls were covered in posters of everything Louis loved, including a strange carrot poster, a token from his friend, he had explained. All his vans and toms were laid out by his closet too.

 

“Home sweet home.” I said once I’d finished unpacking.

 

Louis laughed from his bed, a comfortable silence falling over us.

 

“I broke up with Hadley today.” Louis said suddenly.

 

My eyes widened a little, praying I’d heard correctly. “Y-you what?” I questioned, needing confirmation.

 

“I told her it just wasn’t going anywhere. She agreed. I guess we both knew it wasn’t serious.” Louis stated.

 

“I’m sorry mate, must suck.” I said, not really knowing how to react.

 

“It’s fine.” Louis said, then snorted to himself. I looked over at him, he looked as if he was contemplating whether he wanted to tell me something.

 

“You know...you can tell me whatever you’re thinking.” I reassured him.

 

He looked at me nervously. “Well...I’ve just been thinking a lot lately…”

 

“About..?” I said, wanting him to continue.

“It’s just, oh nothing it’s stupid.” Louis said running his hands through his hair.

 

“Lou just tell me.” I said, slightly embarrassed that my nickname for him had slipped, but he didn’t seem to notice, or care.

 

“Well, okay. But please don’t hate me.” Louis pleased, rolling in his bed to face me. “I guess, I’ve just been thinking a lot lately, about like...certain stuff. And I think that I may, erm, well I think I might be gay Liam.” He blurted out.

 

Okay I’m pretty sure my heart just stopped. I couldn’t believe that Louis Tomlinson was coming out to me. Maybe I have a chance now. Maybe he can like me a fraction in the way that I love him.

 

“Well are you gonna say something or are you just gonna stare at me?” Louis frantically replied.

 

“I’m just. Wow. I didn’t expect that at all.”

 

“Yeah, I just kind of came to terms with it myself.” Louis said with an embarrassed laugh.

 

“So, how do you know?” I asked.

 

“Well, there’s this guy I have feelings for, but I know he’d never feel the same way.”

  
“If you don’t mind me asking, who?” I was desperate to know who he was talking about.

 

Louis laughed even more nervously. “Well now I really can’t tell you that.”

 

“Why?” I was hurt that he didn’t trust me enough.

 

“Trust me. I just really cannot tell you.”

 

“I thought we were friends Louis! I promised I won’t judge you man.” Now I was just desperate to find out if there was any chance that it was me he was referring to.

 

“Fine! For fucks sake you’re persistant.” Louis teased. “It’s...it’s er..it’s you.”

 

“What.” Was all I could think to say.

 

“Yeah.” Louis said, incredibly awkwardly.

 

“You hate me now.” Louis said sadly.

 

“I could never hate you Lou.” I said, smiling back at him.

 

Should I tell him how I feel? What’ll happen if I do tell him? Oh god, too many questions were running through my head.

 

I cleared my throat, managing to gain his attention before speaking again. “Louis, I don’t really know what to say right now. I-I’ve liked you since the first time I saw you in grade school playing football. I was just always too afraid to tell you how I felt. I mean, I wasn’t really sure how I felt about you. Until there was that night with Zayn and I knew for sure I was gay. And then I knew I loved you. And we were put together as partners in sociology and I thought I might die of happiness. But you were with Hadley and everything. But then you came over and I saw you with Ruth and I fell for you even more! Then we became better friends and it was torture having to only be friends with the guy I was in love with and I’m rambling now sorry.” I managed to get out in one breath.

 

I watched Louis absorb all of what I’d just said, at first he looked shocked at what I’d just said, but then a smirk grew on his face.

 

“So you’re in love with me huh, Payne?” Louis questioned with a wink.

 

Too embarrassed to look him in the face, I nodded as a yes, picking at the grey comforter on my bed. I heard the creaking of bed strings. It took all the bravery I had to look up. Louis was standing right in front of me looking down. I scooted over to make room for him. Without any words he laid down beside me, taking my hand in his own. Mt heart was going to explode. The moment I’d dreamed about countless times, was finally happening.

 

“Li.” Louis said sweetly. I looked over at him with a huge smile on my face.

 

“Hmm?”

 

“Can I, erm, can I kiss you?” Louis asked nervously. Our hands were still entwined.

 

“S-sure.” I stuttered back.

 

With that he rolled on top of me so he was straddling me. He brought his right hand to my face and caressed my cheek.

 

“You’re really beautiful.” He said, making me blush.

 

Our eyes locked, he looked at me in a way I’d never seen before. Love and adoration. Slowly, Louis began to lean down towards me. Shit, I was feeling so many feelings in that one moment. I was so turned on, scared, yet in love with him. I was terrified I would wake up and find out it was all a dream.

His face was a few inches from my own now. I could feel his breath on my cheeks, I closed my eyes. Then, I felt something I’d never felt in my entire life. His lips only briefly touched mine, but it was the greatest feeling in the world. So soft and so fitting with mine, he pulled back and looked into my eyes.

 

“Wow.” He spoke.

 

I couldn’t take it anymore. I slipped Louis over so that I was now on top  straddling him. Ignoring his yelp of pain, I smashed our lips together again. This time, I didn’t intend on pulling back so quickly. His hands ran from my shoulders down my back, stopping at my butt. He squeezed lightly, making me laugh. My hands were locked in his hair. he moaned as I shoved my tongue in his mouth. Good God. Louis was an amazing kisser, even better than Zayn had been. We kissed for what seemed like forever, finally pulling away needing air.

 

“I love you Liam.” Louis said, out of breath. I reached for his hand, intertwining them again.

 

“You have no idea how much I love you Lou, no idea.”

 

We laid together, hands intertwined, bodies still in contact for the rest of that night. I rested my head in the crook of Louis’ neck, soon hearing him doze off. I kissed his exposed collarbone, before I too fell asleep.

 

That was one of the greatest nights of my life, and in that moment, everything was perfect.

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

Opening my tired eyes, it took me a while to take in my surroundings. The plain white walls stretched high, almost too high. The room was empty except for a small night stand next to the bed in which I was laying. I recognised this room, it was what they called the ‘safe room’.

This isn’t my first time here actually. I’ve spent almost as much time in here as I had in my normal room. Patients deemed mentally unstable or having an emotional breakdown were kept in the safe room in order not to intimidate or frighten the others. The longest these trips to the safe room lastest were only a few hours, but they were hell. Something about this room made me realise how alone I truly was.

I opened the drawer of the nightstand and fished around for the one item I always carried with me- my wallet. Feeling the smooth, leather exterior, I grasped onto it and closed the drawer. The nurses knew from experience that when I was moved into the safe room, no matter how short the time, that they must make sure to bring me my wallet. It contained my most prized possession. It held my only remaining picture of Louis.

I flipped it open and was met with his warm smile and loving eyes. No matter how many times I’ve seen the picture, his beauty always took me by surprise. I didn’t deserve someone so perfect, not then and certainly not now.

Tears brimmed my eyes, and I allowed them to fall. I hated him! I hated him so fucking much! Why’d he have to always be the good guy? Why didn’t he just ignore it? Everyone else did! Why did he have to leave me?! I don’t know how I’ve made it this long without him. He was my everything.

Why was life so damn unfair?

I couldn’t stand looking at the picture any longer. His smile. His hair. His everything- it was all too much. There isn’t a thing I wouldn’t give to have him back. My hands started tearing the picture into small pieces. The pieces fell around me, and the realisation of what I’d just done set in.

The tears had now turned into uncontrollable sobs. Maybe I could tape it back together again. Maybe I could. Maybe I could just.

I couldn’t form any coherent thoughts. I’m such a fuck up. Why did I do that?

 

“I’m sorry baby I’m so sorry.” I whispered to the torn remains of his picture.

 

Life seemed to have no point without him. I thought back to the week after he passed, sitting in my rom, bottle of pills in my hand, contemplating on whether or not to take my own life. I was glad I didn’t do it. Louis wouldn’t have wanted that.

 

My mind drifted back to the morning after he first kissed me.

 

For the first time in my life, I woke up that morning with a smile on my face. How could I not have? The most amazing guy to ever grace this earth was asleep next to me, his arms locked around my waist. Lou always looked adorable when he was sleeping.

Kissing his temple softly, I decided I was in desperate need of a shower. As I scrubbed myself clean, I hoped the running water wouldn’t wake Louis. Thinking about the past 24 hours made my head race. How was it even possible? I had no idea Louis was even gay, let alone reciprocated my feelings. Then he kissed me, and I swore it was the greatest moment of my life.

I felt eyes on me as I walked out of the bathroom in only a pair of basketball shorts. Louis was awake, and he was gawking at my exposed chest.

Suddenly I felt very self-conscious.

 

“You’re beautiful.” Louis said, smiling at me.

 

While his words made me feel slightly more comfortable, it didn’t quench the feeling that I wasn’t good enough for him, would never be good enough for him.

 

“Not as beautiful as you babe.” I replied with a wink.

 

“God, you’re cheesy.” I couldn’t help but laugh at his very true comment.

 

“Yeah, I know...sorry.” I said with an awkward laugh.

 

“Don’t be sorry, I love that about you.”

 

Love. Just hearing him talk about me and love in the same sentence gave me butterflies.

 

“Come here.” Louis commanded, lightly patting the empty space in my bed next to him.

 

I strode over to my bed, cautiously laying down. Louis wrapped his arms around my bare stomach and rested his head in the gape of my neck. He kissed my collarbone while we laid there, enjoying each other’s company.

 

“I think we should talk about...all this.” I burst out, breaking the comfortable silence and exposing my sheer nervousness about everything.

 

“What’s there to talk about babe?” He questioned, seeming genuinely confused.

 

“That. See, you just called me babe like it was no big deal. And last night. And now we’re laying in the same bed cuddling and I just need to place all this.”

 

“If you don’t want me to call you babe then I won’t…” Louis trailed off.

 

I panicked as he took what I said completely the wrong way.

 

“No Lou I love that you call me babe. I love that we k-kissed. And I love just laying here with you. But what are we doing, like what is this?” I rushed out, growing more anxious.

 

“Liam, please stop. Just stop stressing over the small details. Okay? I love you and you love me.” What more is there to it than that?” Louis said, looking into my eyes meaningfully.

 

“A lot, actually. Lou I’m not like you! I can’t just go through life with-with uncertainties! I need to know what this is. I mean, are we boyfriends? Are we friends with benefits? Was that just a one time thing that we should never ever bring up again or-” I was cut off by a hand covering my mouth.

Louis was laughing to himself, then he began to speak again. “Liam, you worry way too much. Can we just keep this as simple as possible? Why complicate things now when we’re both just admitting our feelings for each other? Okay?”

Wrong. I’d loved him since the first time I saw him, but it’s not like that really mattered now.

 

Sighing, I ran my hands through my sopping wet hair. “Okay, I guess you’re right.”

He smile victoriously and I instantly regretted ever bringing it up in the first place. Any time spent without a smile upon his face was wasted, a smile that beautiful should never be hidden from the world.

 

“So, what would you like to do today babe?” Louis asked.

 

“..this.” I muttered, leaning forward to connect our lips in a soft kiss.

 

As much as Louis seemed to be enjoying the kiss, he pulled back quicker than I would have preferred. “Tempting, but classes do start next week, and we still have a shit ton of stuff to do.”

 

“When the hell did you become the responsible one?!” I teased.

 

Louis chuckled, then quickly kissed me again, before disentangling his arms from around me and jumping out of bed. Now that we were- well, now that we’d kissed, I didn’t feel as guilty letting my eyes wander over his defined curves while he walked towards the bathroom.

 

“Let’s go to the shop and buy some food and stuff.” Louis stated rather than asked.

 

“Sounds good.” I replied as he disappeared into the bathroom.

 

“After you.” Louis said, holding the door open. I felt my cheeks heat slightly at the sweet gesture. When making our way down the hall, I remember the feel of Louis’ hand slip into mine. In a state of panic, I yanked mine away. I was shocked at my own sudden movement. Louis looked confused, then hurt. I panicked even more, annoyed with myself that I’d hurt his feelings. I wanted to apologise but I couldn’t push the words through my mouth. I was embarrassed. I wasn’t ready to come out, to be a couple in public. I wasn’t ready for the sneers and looks of disgust. I wasn’t strong enough to take it, not strong like Louis. I wasn’t ready for that yet Louis willingly took my hand, seeming proud that we were now-a thing. I ruined it, he must hate me.

 

The rest of the walk to the car was silent. We got in the car, Louis closing the door a little harder than necessary. It felt like being punch in the stomach, seeing him so upset.

 

“Are you mad?” I mumbled, unsure whether now was a good time to ask.

 

“I’m not mad...I’m hurt.” Louis said.

 

“Lou - I’m sorry it, I just. I’m not ready to come out yet. I haven’t even told my parents I’m gay!” I hoped he’d understand.

 

“I haven’t either Li, I just love you and I don’t wanna’ have to hide it.” He said, taking his eyes off the road to look at me softly.

 

“I know, I love you too Lou. Just be patient with me okay?”

 

“Alright, however long it takes, I’m fine with that. I just want you to feel comfortable babe.”

 

This almost made me feel worse. He was so loving and accepting. He had every right to be angry with me but he was still so kind. I never deserved him.

 

That night, after we were both exhausted from hours of shopping, we slept together in my bed. Yes, just slept. Nothing more. We weren’t ready for anything more yet...well I certainly wasn’t.

 

Thinking back now, I don’t even know why I found the idea of coming out so frightening. Sure my father would have hated me for it, and no child ever wants to disappoint their parents, but Louis meant more to me than anything. Now, I would risk everything to be with him. I’d trade places with him any day, because I know he would have done more with his life than marry a woman he never loved and drink too much. But I guess that’s what being young is all about. You live and you learn, I suppose.

“Mr Payne, how are you feeling?” Jeanie questioned, stepping into the safe room.

 

“Fine, can I go back to my room now. This damn bed. I swear. You’re just trying to kill me off as soon as possible.”

 

Jeanie rolled her eyes at my comment and replied “I assure you that we are doing no such thing Mr Payne. And yes, you’ll be moving back now as long as you promise to keep yourself under control.”

 

“I’ll be fine. Let’s just go.” She walked to my bedside and assisted me into my wheelchair.

 

“I can do it on my own!” I spat at her.

 

“I’m sure you can. It’s just my job to help you.” She said back, obviously biting her tongue to avoid cursing me.

 

“And a damn good job you’re doing.” I mumbled under my breath sarcastically, not loud enough for her to hear.

 

Once she had helped me into my own room again, I layed in my bed and thought of our time together at college. Those were the four best years of my life. Everything was perfect then. It was only after we graduated when things took a turn for the worse.

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

Being a freshman wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. The course load was ridiculous, I got lost around campus frequently and homesickness took a lot out of me. But it was all better the minute I returned to our room. I’d find Louis there, waiting for me and we’d just enjoy each other’s company. We never really went to parties or left our room. Our time of being together was already short enough, and we didn’t want to waste any of it.

 

We spent the nights of our freshman year talking for hours on end, watching movies, kissing (lots of kissing), and just being typical teenage guys.

 

I remember one night when I had really wanted to take things further with Louis. We were watching Bad Teacher while lying in his bed together, and he started to poke my side relentlessly.

 

“Lou stop!” I said.

 

“Hmm, nope.” He replied and continued poking me.

 

“Seriously Louis stop.” I tried to sound stern.

 

“Make me.” He added with a smirk.

 

I took his words seriously as I moved over the top of him so that I was straddling him. I grabbed his arms and pinned them to his sides.

 

“You’re no fun.” He said with a laugh.

 

“Oh really? Well I guess I’ll just go then.” He looked disappointed.

 

“No! I like this spot!” I made my way off his bed and felt a sudden weight on my back. The next thing I knew I was pinned to the ground with Louis towering over me.

 

“Bastard.” I laughed. I tried pushing him off me, but he wasn’t budging.

 

“So what now, huh?” Louis said with an adorable smile but a hint of mischief in his eye.

 

“How’s about you get off me?” I said.

 

“Nah.” He simply said, before adding. “You look really fucking hot from this view.”

 

My face turned scarlet. “Whatever.” I mumbled.

 

“I’m serious babe. Like really fucking hot.” He said again.

 

“Thanks Lou.” I said not looking him in the eye.

 

He leaned towards me and connected our lips. “No. Problem.” He breathed out between kisses.

 

We kissed for a while and Louis trailed kisses down my neck. My hand were at his waist. I felt his hands move to the hem of my shirt, making my breath hitch. Cautiously, he ran his hands over my stomach towards my chest. He was touching me so lightly, it caused me to shiver. I could barely feel the touch of his burning finger as they traced over my skin. I closed my eyes as goosebumps rose over my body. I was so lost in just the touch of his fingers, I hadn’t even noticed his hands move from my chest to my jeans. He started to undo my pants.

 

“Lou.” I breathed out.

 

“What?” He asked, moving back up to kiss me.

 

“Just...I’m not ready yet.” I said against his lips.

 

I felt him smile. He started kissing me again and the panic within me died down a bit. He acted as if I hadn’t just rejected him. I didn’t understand him. Was he not affected by anything? he was always so happy, so positive. I almost envied him.

 

We were lying in bed later that night, I still felt bad for telling him no earlier.

 

“Lou?” I called out into the darkness.

 

“Yes babe?” He replied sweetly.

 

“I’m sorry.” Was all I could think to say.

 

“For what, love?” Louis questioned, rolling onto his side so we were practically nose-to-nose.

 

“Earlier when I uhm..Well when I stopped you from..” I stuttered.

 

“Why would you be sorry? If you’re not ready then we’ll wait. I’ve already told you this. I’d wait a forever and a lifetime for you baby.” I felt my eyes prick a tiny bit at his words. No one, not even my family, had ever made me feel this loved or special as he had.

 

“I don’t know why you’re with me Louis.” I said in a hushed voice.

 

“Why the hell wouldn’t I be?” He questioned.

 

“You’re just so caring and understanding and sweet. You’re so...perfect. And I’m just me. Too afraid to hold your hand in public!” I said on the verge of tears.

 

Louis wrapped his arms around me and pulled me closer into him. “Babe.” He began. “Please don’t say things like that. It makes me sad to see you sad. Okay? You are just you. But it’s you that I love. I wouldn’t change a thing about you Liam. I don’t care about that stuff. All that matters is we love each other. We don’t need to hold hands in public or be in a relationship on Facebook to know that. I love you, okay?” He leaned forward and kissed my forehead.

 

“I love you too.” I choked out.

 

For the rest of college we remained a secret, only exposing our love for each other in that room, I loved that room, still to this day.

 

We fell for each other more and more with each passing day. He made everything in life okay. He made me happy. And doesn’t everyone deserve to be happy?

 

How we had gone from that to what we were when we lived in Chicago…

 

Louis and I had got an apartment in Chicago after we’d graduated. I’d been offered a great job writing for the local newspaper, and Louis found various jobs in the city. He wasn’t too particular about what he wanted to do with his life. He would say that if we were together, then he’d always be happy. When my parents questioned me about living with another guy, I’d told them we were just roommates. We were so much more. We were still very much in love. I was still very much in the closet.

 

Louis always insisted that he’d wait as long as it took, but I was beginning to think that I’d never really be ready. I felt so guilty just thinking that. It wasn’t fair for me to expect him to keep us a secret forever. It just wasn’t right. But I knew I could never come out, I was too much of a coward. I guess that’s why I started pushing him away. Subconsciously I thought that if I could make him not love me anymore, then he could move on with his life and no longer have to be hurt by my own selfish ways.  

 

But Louis was Louis, and he wasn’t giving up on us anytime soon. No matter how hard I tried to push him away, he kept pulling me closer. He was a drug that I couldn’t quit. I knew that it was wrong to love another man, but I couldn’t help how I felt.

 

So I guess that’s why I lost my virginity to him that night after we’d both worked long days. I knew that I was finally ready. I mean, we had been seeing each other for four years by then. It was more than I had ever thought it would be. Louis wasn’t a virgin, but it was his first time with another guy.

 

“It’ll be fine babe.” He said to me.

 

And he was more than right. It exceeded all my expectations. I guess that sleeping together solidified my love for him even further. I had given him my everything, and I knew he would never do anything to hurt me.

 

“I knew it would be.” He whispered into my ear seductively.

 

I laughed and said, “I don’t know how I got so lucky.”

 

“Me neither.” He replied.

 

“I’m sorry if I’ve been distant recently babe. I was just worried that me not being ready to come out was hurting you.” I said.

 

“I’ve told you a thousand times, I’ll wait how ever long it takes.”

 

I laughed and kissed him quickly. “I know.”

  
If I could go back now, I’d come out. I’d tell my father to screw off and just be happy with Louis. But the world doesn’t work that way. The past is the past. It can’t be undone.

  
  
I was ready to move on, to die basically. I had been here, alone, for forty- seven years. Getting up everyday and once again coming to terms with the fact that he isn’t here anymore is hell. I know that i should’ve sucked it up and dealt with him dying like a man. I know I should’ve moved on. And I guess I did physically with Dahlia, but I never really moved on. My heart still belonged to him that day under the altar when I looked into Dahlia’s eyes and promised to be hers forever. I knew marrying her was wrong. I knew that I couldn’t be the husband that she deserved. I was never hers. My heart still belongs to him now. And it will until the day we are together once again.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i felt a tear

CrestView was the single most boring place on this entire planet. I didn’t have much to do besides think of him.

 

Louis and I were twenty-three then. We had been living together in Chicago for an entire year now. Our relationship was going great. We’d just recently slept together for the first time and well, to put it bluntly our sex life was amazing. Sleeping with Louis was so much better than any of the times I spent with Dahlia. It was never rushed, and each time it felt like our love grew even stronger.

 

As I said, our relationship was going great. We’d order Chinese food from our favourite take-out place every Friday and then watch a movie together. It became our routine- and most definitely the highlight of my week.

 

My job was pretty demanding, and so I worked late quite often, but Louis never seemed to mind. He seemed to understand how important my job was to me, so he never complained. Whenever I got home he’d be there patiently awaiting for my arrival and he’d attack me with kisses. I loved coming home to him.

 

Louis was still the hilarious, crazy guy he’d been when we first met. He had matured some, but still had that carefree and happy-go-lucky nature to him that i adored so much.

 

Louis was also a huge romantic. I would have never guessed so when we first met, but he really was. Sometimes I’d come home from a long and stressful day at work to find flowers on our dining room table or a box of chocolates. I loved these sweet gestures. They may not have meant much to someone else, but to me they meant everything. They reassured me that despite all of my flaws, Louis still loved me.

 

One night Louis and I were sitting on the couch talking about anything and everything. When he suggested taking our relationship to the next level.

 

“No way.” Was all I said.

 

“Why not Li? I wanna’ get married sooooo bad!” Louis whined.

 

“One, it’s not even legal in Illinois. And two, no one knows I’m gay babe.” I replied seriously.

  
“Ugh! Fuck everyone else, let’s get married! We don’t even have to tell your parents! We can just...go to Vegas! Yeah we can go to Vegas and do it! It can be one of those great ones where you dress as Elvis and stuff! Oh my gosh Li! Doesn’t that sound great?!” Louis screamed excitedly.

 

I laughed at his craziness. “You’re absolutely crazy. We’re not getting hitched in Vegas, especially not with me dressed as Elvis!”

 

He looked a little disappointed, but it quickly turned to a smile when I began tickling him.

 

“Okay Okay! Liam stop it!” Louis breathed out between laughter.

 

“Make me.” I replied still tickling him.

 

He positioned himself so that we were firmly pressed against each other. I could feel him through his jeans, which only turned me on more.

 

“I just might have to.” He whispered into my ear.

 

“Babe, you thinkin’ what I’m thinking?” I whispered back.

 

He just grinned and kissed me passionately. I took that as a yes.

 

With this I picked him up and carried him into our bedroom...to do well you know.

 

After we finished, we were lying together in each others’ arms.

 

“So I was thinking, that maybe I’d tell my about us.” Louis said, breaking the silence.

 

“What? Why?!” I said back, completely shocked.

 

“Well, it’s just we’ve been together for so long now and I guess I just feel wrong not telling them. They’re not like your parents Liam, they’ll understand.” He assured me.

 

“I don’t think you should. It’s just...what if they tell me parents? Or more people find out? I don’t think I can handle that.” I replied.

 

“Babe, you know I would never pressure you into coming out, but just be honest with me, are you ever gonna be ready to come out?” Louis asked, while gently stroking my forearm.

 

“I really don’t know Lou, I’m sorry.” I was so ashamed.

 

He sighed, then ran his hand through his hair. “Fine, that’s fine.” He said huffing.

 

But I knew it wasn’t, I could see it in his eyes.

 

“No it’s not.” I said hoarsely.

 

“I know it sucks to have to keep us a secret, but I love you way damn too much to ever give up on us. Ever. I know how hard it must be for you, with your Dad and everything. But Liam, he’s an asshole. And no offense, but fuck him if he doesn’t think being gay is ok! We love each other just as much as any straight couple! I don’t see why both of us having dicks changes anything!” He let out, clearly frustrated.

 

“Because it’s wrong Louis!” I yelled, instantly regretting.

 

I saw the look that passed over his face. My words hurt him deeply.

 

“How is this wrong?” Louis asked, really hurt.

 

“I didn’t mean that Lou. I’m sorry!” I frantically replied, hoping this wouldn’t lead to a fight.

 

“No! How. Is. This. Wrong?” He asked through gritted teeth.

 

“It’s not! I swear I didn’t mean it babe! It’s just my Dad...He fucking hates gay people. And I’m scared. Louis I’m scared he’ll hate me! I can’t handle knowing he hates me! I just can’t!” I was desperate for him to understand.

 

“No I get it.” Louis began, then laughed to himself before continuing. “You would rather hurt me than him. Well fuck that! I’ve given you literally everything for almost six fucking years! And what do I get back?! Fucking nothing!”

 

“That’s not fair!” I screamed, suddenly very close to crying.

 

“Fair? Pfft. Don’t even talk to me about fair! I’ve given you all of me! I gave up everything to be with you! Well not even be with you, just fuck you every night and talk to you when you’re stressed about work! I’m tired of getting nothing back from you Liam. I love you so fucking much, but you really make me wonder whether you feel the same!” He spat.

 

I was crying by then. “Louis please! I need you! You can’t leave me! Please! I-I’ll do anything you want! Just please you can’t leave me!”

Louis didn’t say anything else. He walked out of our room and closed the door behind him. I heard him walk to the living room and sit on the couch. He just needed his space. If I let him calm down some, then we’d make up and everything would be okay.

 

I was hysterical at that point. I had only cried more at one point in my life, when he had did. I guess just the idea of him leaving me was too much. I couldn’t imagine my life without him. He was my everything.

 

An hour had passed and he still hadn’t come back. Still sobbing uncontrollably, I heard the door of our bedroom open. I didn’t look to see who it was; I knew it was him.

 

He strode over to our bed and cautiously laid down next to me. He started rubbing soothing circles on my back, trying to get my tears under control. We’d never had such a big fight before then. It was scary, frightening even. I didn’t think I could go on if ever left me.

 

Once I’d composed myself, I knew what I had to do.

 

“I’m so sorry.” I said.

 

“I know, me too.” He replied.

 

“I love you so much. Please, no matter how bad it gets, just please don’t ever leave me. I don’t think I could ever move on. I said turning to face him.

 

He grabbed my face and kissed me, then said. “I love you too baby. I could never love anybody else, ever. I just love your dumbass too god damn much.”

 

I laughed into the kiss. “You know, I really hate it when you cry.” Louis said running his hands through my hair.

 

“Why?” I asked.

 

“You’re too beautiful to ever be upset love.” He replied.

 

I laughed and said “God you’re corny.” I laughed some more before continuing. “You know what I hate?”

 

“Spoons?” Louis questioned with a smirk.

 

I started cracking up and said “What the hell? Well yes I suppose, but you know what else?”

 

“What?” Louis asked.

 

I smiled at him sadly. “Fighting with you.”

 

“Aww, babe. I hate fighting with you too! Especially ‘coz you look so damn sexy when you’re pissed! It makes staying mad at you pretty difficult!” Louis said.

 

“I look sexy when I’m pissed…?” I asked.

 

“Yes, very.” He replied with a smirk.

 

“Hmm, you might just have to piss me off more often then.” I replied seductively.

 

“Will do.” He said once again before connecting our lips.

 

I may have only been twenty-four, but the love we shared was greater than any I’d ever known. It was the kind that inspired movies like The Titanic or The Notebook. It was the kind of love that only comes once in a lifetime. It was the kind of love that so many of us foolishly tend to let go. It was the kind of love that I’d always heard about- the kind that made you so happy it hurt, and so angry sometimes you could literally explode.

 

Our relationship wasn’t perfect. No real relationship ever is. But it didn’t need to be perfect. I loved him with everything I had. I loved all his flaws and quirks; they’re what made him the man who owned my heart.

 

I knew that day that I’d never find someone to replace him. He was once in a lifetime. He was truly irreplaceable. My heart still yearns for his touch, for his everything.

 

People die everyday, it’s just part of life. But it’s not everyday that you lose the one person that completes you. The one person who truly gets you. The one person who would never do a thing to hurt you. The one person who will love you unconditionally, through all the good and the bad. The one person that you’d be willing to die for in a heartbeat. The one person who you what love is, and made you want to be a better person.

 

I can’t wait for the day we can be together again. I just miss him.

  
Louis, I miss you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> did you feel the tear


	7. Chapter 7

What if I’d stopped him from leaving home that day? He’d still be here with me now. I would never have met Dahlia, I would never have hurt her. I don’t regret having my two children; sometimes they were the only thing that kept me from ending it once and for all. I wasn’t the best father to them, and I cannot even begin to explain the remorse it gives me knowing this. I was too wrapped up in my own self-loathing to be there for them all the time; like missing Landon’s first soccer game or not showing up to Carter’s first fifth grade play because I was sitting home drowning myself in a bottle of whiskey.

I’m not trying to excuse my actions. I did a lot of wrong in my life, and there’s no excuse for that. I know that my heart was ripped out and my whole life felt like it had been taken from me, but I should have moved on. I should have forgotten about him, forgotten about all of the times we shared. But I couldn’t. I’m weak. I’ll admit that. I’ve been alone ever since that day in April when he was senselessly murdered.

I turned on the television and began scanning through the channels. Then I saw a commercial advertising some shitty product that I couldn’t care less about, however what sparked my interest was the song faintly playing in the background - Moments by One Direction.

This was our song.

I remember that night, it was only a year and several months before he passed.

“Payne! Do you have the article on Upcoming Artists finished yet?” My boss, Harry Styles, beckoned harshly.

Harry was near the same age as me, but somehow he’d landed the spot f head editor of the Chicago Tribune. He was an incredibly talented journalist, and he made sure to inform everyone he met that he was in fact a Princeton graduate. What made him so unlikeable was his cockiness; Harry knew how smart he was and he wasn’t afraid to show it. Also, the curly-headed man had a worse temper than anyone I’ve ever met in my entire life.

“Yeah, I left a copy of it on your desk earlier.” I replied, annoyed at his rude demeanor.

“What have I said about doing that, Payne? My desk is not the place to leave your articles! I’m not some fucking school teacher going to grade your damn report! You are to give me your work - hand delivered to me! Do you understand me?!” He yelled.

“Yes. Sorry, won’t happen again.” I replied. I desperately wanted to curse him, but I valued my job too much to do so.

“Damn right it won’t. And this article better be good. Your last article on the new iPhone craze was shit! I expect nothing but perfection from my writers. So don’t go thinking I won’t fire you this very second Payne! Coz’ there are thousands of others who’d die for your job and probably do it a hell of a lot better!” God he was an asshole.

“Sorry.” I muttered back weakly.

“Only be sorry if your article sucks again.” He replied, then laughed at his own dumb attempt at being funny.

Harry walked back into his office looking rather smitten with himself. Ugh, I swear if I hadn’t loved that job so much, I’d have stormed into his office and punched him in the face.

My phone beeped, signalling a new text message.

Louuuisss - Hey babe, what time will you be home?? Love you :) xxx

I smiled as I read the message and replied with;

jst about to leave, love u too baby xx

Packing all of my things in my messenger bag, I walked outside and to my car. Traffic in Chicago was crazy during rush hour. I arrived home and there he was, waiting for me like always. he was lying on the couch, pretending to watch television but immediately turned it off when I walked in.

“Hey babe, how was your day?” He asked.

I walked over to the couch and cuddled up to him. “Okay, I guess. Harry;s still an asshole. And he reminds me every ten seconds of how unsatisfactory my last article was...But besides that it was fine.”

Louis let out a sad laugh. “I’m sorry Li, that sucks.”

“Yeah.”

He then said. “But hey, if it makes it any better, I made your favourite for dinner!”

Laughing at his attempt to console me, I replied, “Spaghetti?!”

“Mhmmm.” He cooed.

I pressed my lips to his briefly, before pulling myself up from the couch.

“Well come on Lou, I don’t wanna’ wait all night!” I said. He smiled at me and he too got up.

The first thing I noticed when I walked into the kitchen was the elaborate set up - Louis had obviously planned this. He’s used our best plates, dimmed the lights, bought me a dozen roses, and lit several candles on the table. It was cliche, yes. But did I care? Not in the slightest.

Louis came up behind me, bringing me from my trance. He kissed my neck sweetly and asked, “Do you like it love?”  
Instead of answering him with words, I turned around and kissed him, trying to show all of the emotions I was feeling - love, appreciation, excitement.

“I’ll take that as a yes.” He laughed.

“It’s perfect, thanks babe.” I said.

“No problem.”

I smiled to myself, just thinking about that night. Louis had been so romantic, so sweet. I don’t think I ever really appreciated that side of him when he was still around. I regretted that more than you could ever even begin to imagine.

Louis pulled out my chair for me and I took my seat.

“Such a gentleman tonight, Lou. What’s gotten into you?” I teased.

“I don’t really know...I just wanted to do something special for us. And i know how much of a dick Harry can be to you, babe.” He smiled at me from his seat across the table.

I laughed and replied “That is a very good point. Very good.”

He could hear the bitterness in my voice. “Oh gosh, what did curly do now? I don’t have to go beat his arse now do I?”

“No babe.” I chuckled at his protectiveness. “He’s just Harry. You know, always an arsehole.”

“Mmm.” Louis murmured in agreement.

“Well today he was just constantly bitching about my last article. He said it was shti and that he’d fire me if I didn’t write a perfect article this week.” I sighed, extremely stressed from Harry’s abrasive behaviour.

Louis reached his hand across the table and took my hand in his own. He ran his thumb soothingly along the back of my hand, instantly relaxing me.

“It’s okay love. If he does fire you, then who gives a fuck?! Eh?! You’re the best damn writer he’s got! It’d be his loss, Li.” Louis was so supportive, even though we both knew perfectly that I was not the best writer.

“Thanks Lou.” He nodded his head in recognition, kissed my hand briefly, and we began eating.

Louis was slurping his spaghetti, obviously not caring too much about having any table manners. I laughed at the sight in front of me; he had spaghetti sauce all over his face and shirt. Louis grinned and attempted to wipe all the sauce from his face.

“All gone?” He asked.

I leaned across the table with my napkin and wiped his face clean.

“You’re adorable.” I said, kissing him. He smiled against my lips.

“I know.” He replied cheekily once I’d pulled away.

“Don’t get cocky Lou. You aren’t that cute.” Louis looked shocked, and actually pretty offended.

“Well…” Was all he said back.

I began laughing hysterically. “Lou.” I began, trying to fight my laughter. “I’m only kidding babe. You’re gorgeous. And you know it.”

He laughed too and said, “Yeah it does get hard being this attractive sometimes. It;s a hard life Lili. I wouldn’t expect you to understand…” He trailed off, now it being my turn to be offended.

I pretended to get up from the table when he latched onto my arm. “Where exactly are you going?” He questioned.

“Nowhere.” I replied, smiling at him. He got up from his seat and walked over to me. He pressed his lips to mine and mumbled something that sounded like, “That’s what I thought.”

Jeanie strode into my room, interrupting my thoughts. “You feeling okay, Mr. Payne?”

“Just fine.” I replied back coldly.

“Look.” Jeanie began, taking one of the seats next to my bed. “I know you don’t wanna’ be here, Liam. And I know that you hate me and every other staff member here. But it’s my job to take care of you and make you feel as welcome as possible. So...Is there anything you’d like to feel more at home, Liam?”

“What I want...More like who I want...Well...I’m afraid you can’t bring him here.”I replied sadly.

“I’m sure Carter would come and see you if you asked.” While seeing my son would be wonderful, he was not whom I was referring to when I said ‘him’.

“I’m not talking about Carter, Jeanie.”

She looked confused, her brows drawn together. “Who then?”

I don’t know why I had even told her this much...I didn’t even know the woman! “That doesn’t matter now. He’s gone, has been for a while.”

A look of realisation dawned on her face, but I found it strangely comforting. All these years, I’d never told anyone or even hinted at my relationship with Louis. (I didn’t technically tell Dahlia. She found out on her own.) I guess it just felt good to finally tell someone, and have them accept it. All my life I’ve been so scared to own up to my true feelings, but now, it felt so liberating. She looked genuinely caring, and I was finding myself hating her much less than before. She cleared her throat and stood up from the chair. “Oh, well I’m very sorry that I can’t help you, Liam.”

I shrugged, knowing that she truly did want to help. She gave me one last apologetic look, then she was gone.

Louis and I were lying together on the couch after dinner. He was rubbing circles into my back mindlessly.

"We need a song." I said, breaking the peaceful silence.

"What do ya' mean?"

"Like..Every couple has a song. And we don't have one!" Louis laughed lightly at this.

"Okay." He said, then quickly kissed me before continuing; "We'll turn on the radio and the first song we hear will be it!"

I wasn't shocked at this ridiculous suggestion, it was so typical of Louis. "Sure." I chuckled against this lips. Louis got up from his place on the couch and turned on the radio. I instantly recognised the song as 'Get Low' by Flo Rida. We both burst into laughter at the idea that this was going to be our song.

"As much as I'd love you to get low, Li, I don't think it's, erm, appropriate." Louis chuckled and once I'd managed to stop laughing I responded with, "Yeah, how about the next one?"

"Good thinking love." Louis giggled.

The next song was Moments by One Direction. "This, this is perfect." Louis and I said in unison.

"Stand up baby." Louis murmured softly. I did as he said, standing up from the couch. He grabbed my hips gently, wrapping his arms around my waist. I immediately responded by wrapping my arms around his neck, burying my face into the crook of his shoulder.

"If we could only have this life  
For one more day  
If we could only turn back time

You know I’ll be  
Your life  
Your voice  
Your reason to be  
My love  
My heart  
Is breathing for this  
Moment  
In time  
I’ll find the words to say  
Before you leave me today." Louis sang sweetly into my ear as goosebumps arose all over my body.

"I love you so much, Liam." Louis said once the song had finished, his voice delicate but passionate.

Returning his look, I told him I loved him too.

We stayed there for a while, just holding each other, neither speaking.

"Let's go to bed." I said after a while, unfortunately realising how tired I was. Louis reluctantly agreed, allowing me to drag him to bed. We both laid down, getitng comfortable with each other in a tangle of limbs.

"Goodnight, beautiful." I whispered.

"Goodnight, Love." He responded, before drifting off to sleep.

I wish I could kiss those lips, just once more. Just one more time, and I'd be okay.


	8. Chapter 8

Today marked forty-seven years. it had been exactly forty-seven years today.

April 17th, 2016. That was the day;the day my whole world collapsed. That was the day I lost a part of myself, my soul. That was the day Louis Tomlinson was murdered.

It was a Saturday, an ordinary Saturday. However, it was a particularly warm day for Chicago. The city was bustling with excitement of the approaching summer, the promise of extreme heat and long days thrilled people. The city wasn't as windy as usual either, really, it should have been a good day.

I awoke that morning with Louis tightly wrapped in my arms. "Morning baby." I whispered hoarsely, my groggy morning voice coming through. 

He leaned his head upwards and briefly connected our lips before pulling back with a sour expression and then bursting into wild laughter.

"What?" I asked, kind of defensively.

"Love...you have the worst morning breath ever." He laughed more at the look of horror that had conjured itself onto my face. Hastily, I got up from our bed and ran into the bathroom. After brushing my teeth, I stalked back into our room to a still laughing Louis. 

"Really, Lou?" I was a bit annoyed that he was still laughing.

"Sorry, babe. Come here." He motioned towards the spot in our bed next to him. I reluctantly did as he wanted and laid down next to him. he instantly rolled over top of me, his knees either side of my hips. I refused to make eye contact.

"Don't be like that, Li." He cooed. "I'm sorry, okay?"

No longer able to keep a serious face, I broke out into a huge smile. He, in return, grinned proudly and connected our lips. My hands rested on his bare back; his were running through my hair. Things got heated quickly, and that was the last time that we made love.

"So, what are your plans for today?" Louis asked me whilst twiddling my hair between his fingers.

"Mmm, nothing really. Just hang around the house. What about you?" I replied.

"Well, I was gonna run to the store and pick up some things, then we could watch a movie and get take-out later?"

"Yeah, sounds great." I replied.

We never got the chance to fulfil those plans.

Louis got up from our bed and walked into the bathroom. He showered quickly and walked back into our room.

"How do I look?" Louis asked, checking over his appearance in the mirror.

"Hot." I smirked.

He smiled and walked towards me kissing me briefly whilst smirking. "Thanks babe."

It was too much. I couldn't bare the thought that our lips would never touch again. I desperately tried to remember every detail about that kiss. It was brief, only a peck. His lips were thin but gentle.

"Bye, Li. See ya' later." Louis said.

I didn't know that when he said bye, he truly meant goodbye.

"Bye, love you."

"Love you too." He said. I heard the front door open and close, just like that, he was gone.

Why hadn't I stopped him? He'd still be here, wrapped in my arms if I'd just gone with him, or instead of him. I would trade places with him in a heartbeat. He didn't deserve that. He didn't deserve to die.

I knew that the tears would come soon. They always did when I thought about that day. They'd probably take me to the safe-room again, depending on just how loud my sobs were today, but in all honesty, I couldn't care less. My life ended the day his was taken. What more suffering could I possibly endure?

Two hours had passed and I was beginning to worry. The store was only a ten minute walk away from the house, so he should have been back a while ago. I called him, only to be put through to voicemail. 

"Hello! It's Louis...obviously. I'm either busy or don't want to talk to you. Feel free to leave a message! Not guaranteeing I'll listen, but whatever floats your boat. Beeeep."

I groaned, frustrated and hung up. What was taking him so long?

Another half an hour passed and I still hadn't heard from him. I knew something was wrong, I had a feeling in my gut. Something was very, very wrong. 

I threw on a clean pair of clothes and walked out of the house. My pace quickened as I headed towards the grocery store. I tried calling him again but to no avail.

The familiar wail of an ambulance pierced my ears as it shot past me. What if...No. There was no way. I shook those thoughts from my head immediately and laughed at my own pessimism. Of course Louis was fine. It was probably just rushing towards some high school to a kid that's broken their ankle playing soccer, or an old man who's ad a heart attack. Yeah, that was it, it had to be...

I broke out into a light jog, then the scene arose before me. A crowd of people and several police cars had gathered in the parking lot of the store. I ran as quickly as my legs would allow me towards the store. I couldn't see anything as everyone was pushing in a frenzy. The only sound to be heard was the whispers of the crowd.

"Everyone, please step back." A police officer yelled into the crowd. Obviously not wanting to disobey the cop, the crowd stepped back. Then, I saw a body lying stiff on the tarmac. The body was covered in blue tarp, meaning that whomever was under there had died. I couldn't tell who lay under there, just that they were of average height and an adult.

Whispers scattered through the crowd. 

"Who is it?"

"How did they die?"

"Did someone else kill them?"

I was too, wondering all of these questions.

I scanned the crowd for Louis, but he wasn't there. Maybe he'd seen the commotion and taken a different way home. Or he was still inside the store, I looked towards the entrance and saw it was closed and covered in caution tape. I began to worry, my mind racing off to wild thoughts and the worst of conclusions. What if Louis was under the blanket?

I assured myself that he was fine, that I'd come home and find him curled up on the couch waiting for me. I mean, what were the odds that MY Louis was under that tarp. Chicago is one of the biggest cities in America. It could be anyone.

I was desperately trying to find out information, anything at all. "Do you know what happened?" I asked a woman to my right.

She looked at me sadly and said, "All I know is some guy got shot and died."

"So, uh, you don't know who?" I asked, the concern evident in my voice.

"No, sorry." She replied.

"It's fine." I said back.

So it was a man. A man was shot and he had died. There were plenty of men in Chicago, I told myself. However, even the rational part of my brain was beginning to have doubt.

All of a sudden, several policemen lifted the body bag. I couldn't tell who it was still, my vision being blocked by others in the crowd. The policemen hauled the body-bag into the back of the ambulance carefully. The ambulance turned off it's siren, seeing as the person was already dead. With a loud slam, the doors of the van closed shut. It pulled away leaving everyone in the crowd shocked and desperate for information.

The policeman who had previously told everyone in the crowd to step back, talked into his radio. "Male. Mid-twenties, shot three times in the face. Time of death 13:41PM."

My knees grew weak at it words, Louis was in his mid-twenties.

I thought of Louis' beautiful face, violated by three gun shots. Three bullets, ripping through his angelic flesh.


End file.
